And Now For This Breaking News
by EvylNabikula
Summary: Look! Yet another really bad summary. Er, I mean, uh, Voldemort's important announcement to the world. ::cough::


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter? ::puts her fingers in her ears:: I can't hear you! Lalalalala! I'm not listening! .Aw, crap! You're going to sue me now aren't you? Oh well  
  
Note from the Author: This was penned just before the release of 'Order of the Phoenix'  
  
Note from Author.The Sequal!: The characters "Lexi, Shinji, and Timtim are from an HP forum that I used to frequent..Well, TimTim is my sister.Anyway.On to the show.  
  
Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players Present: E.R.R.  
  
::Fred and George come out onstage.::  
  
Fred: "Welcome back to."  
  
::A large blue screen drops down in front of the two with the words "We interrupt this Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Play to bring you this special new report" written in orange chalk on the front.. Annoying di-di- di-di-type music is playing in the background. The screen lifts up to reveal what looks like a new desk over to the left and a podium with people sitting in front of it to the right.::  
  
Anchorperson: "I'm Jim Ronaldson with ABIC News. We've just received word that Dark Wizard, Lord Voldemort,"::shivers and looks around before continuing::"Sorry, I felt a cool breeze on my spine.is holding an open-to- the-public meeting with his organization known as the Death Eaters. Let's go live to the meeting with Cookie Doberts. Cookie?"  
  
Cookie: "Thank you, Jim. Moments ago, Tom Marvolo Riddle announced a secret, open-to-the-pupblic meeting. Somehow, despite the fact that I was in Hawaii when the meeting was announced, I am here in an undisclosed location in a meeting hall in Southern England, just a few miles East of Bristol, ready to report on the developments."  
  
Jim: "Can you give us some quick notes on Voldemort ,"::he shivers and looks around before continuing::" before his speech? When was he last seen?"::off camera comment:: "Someone fix that air conditioner. I'm freezing!"  
  
Cookie: "Reports placed him last in a graveyard gaining a brand new body, killing a Hogwarts student, and spouting off his plan like a bad James Bond villain. Fortunately for him, he mentioned mostly the plan that had lured Harry Potter to that location."  
  
Jim: "Am I correct when I say that his followers tried to kill Mr. Potter at that time?"  
  
Cookie: "Yes, Jim. Luckily they have worse aim than my blind, arthritic grandmother after a stroke."  
  
Jim: "Had they succeeded, many people would cry and want their mommy."  
  
Cookie: "Indeed. I have been speaking with a Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Player to see if I could get any insights into the upcoming speech. We have Shinji the Sarcastic Squirrel live on location half a foot to my left. Shinji, do you have any predictions as to what the Dark Lord's speech will be about?"  
  
Shinji::shrugs:: "Like I know what the heck is going on inside spyofnabiki's head. I doubt she even knows."  
  
Cookie::looking behind her and seeing Wormtail coming to the podium::  
  
Peter::taps the mic and clears his throat nervously:: "C-could we quiet down please?"  
  
::Someone throws a rock at him, which bounces off the side of his head::  
  
Rock-Thrower: "Yo' momma's a squib!" ::he snickers::  
  
Peter: "I would really appreciate it if you'd pay attention."  
  
::Voldemort walks up behind Peter without Peter realizing it. The crowd stops mumbling and applauds Voldemort::  
  
Heckler: "You rock!"  
  
Peter::blushing a bit:: "Thank you!" ::he bows::  
  
::Crickets chirp. Voldemort taps Peter on the shoulder, who jumps and turns around. He falls to his knees groveling. Voldemort steps on him and stands there.::  
  
Peter::weakly:: "Anything for you, Master..but you're standing on my colon. Could you step to the left a bit?"  
  
::Voldemort raises his hands and the crowd's applause dies down::  
  
Voldemort: "I'll bet you're wondering why I've summoned you to this meeting."  
  
Death Eater #1: "Are we getting new Dark Marks? Mine's all stretched out."  
  
Voldemort: "No.I have summoned you."  
  
Death Eater #2: "New cloaks? My hood's all torn. You can almost see my face."  
  
Voldemort: "No! I have su."  
  
Timtim: "We're discussing the new line of Death Eater action figures?"  
  
Voldemort: ".Who ARE you?"  
  
Timtim: ".A Death Eater."  
  
Voldemort: "No you're not"  
  
::Lucius magics her into a floral arrangement with Easter lilies, baby's breath and some nice pretty green ferns.::  
  
Voldemort: ".So. Anyway, I have gathered you together to make an announcement. I have been thinking it over and I have decided to NOT come back to my full strength at this time."  
  
Lucius: "But why, Master? Is now not the perfect time?"  
  
Voldemort: "No, it is not. I do not have followers smart or talented enough to carry on my reign of power."  
  
Lucius: "You have us, My Lord. Your faithful Death Eaters."  
  
Voldemort: "That's my point. You couldn't even kill a 14 year old boy carrying a dead body."  
  
Lucius: ".He was a moving target."  
  
Voldemort: "An injured, outnumbered, younger moving target, carrying DEAD WEIGHT!"  
  
Lucius: "With all due respect, My Lord, he did beat you in a duel."  
  
Voldemort: "Yes. And that is why I have decided to wait a bit. How can I effectively scare people when I can't beat an untrained, less powerful nobody? " ::bottom lip quivers:: "All the other bad guys are laughing at me. Mojo Jojo keeps putting signs on my back that says 'Enslave me!'"  
  
::Everybody stares as crickets chirp::  
  
Voldemort::wipes the tears from his eyes:: "So, for the time being, I will mull away the time in various taverns, getting drunk and telling complete strangers my life story. Any questions?"  
  
Timtim: "There will still be Death Eater action figures, right?"  
  
Lucius: "Didn't I turn you into a flowers?"  
  
Timtim::shrugs:: "Madame Pomfrey turned me back"  
  
Lucius: "When?! She's not even here."  
  
::SpyOfNabiki walks by dressed like a panda and carrying a sign written in Japanese kanna characters. The sign translates into Convenient Plot Hole. Lexi appears from nowhere and pounces on Lucius::  
  
Lexi: "Forget her! Let's run away and do some stuff that's not printable on this site!"  
  
Lucius: "I'm happily married."  
  
::Lexi growls::  
  
Lucius: "Thanks for the offer?"  
  
::Lexi bites him and then jumps from Lucius to Voldemort, landing with him wrapped tightly in a bear-hug::  
  
Lexi::saying so fast that people can hardly understand what she's saying:: "IwannabeLadyVoldemort.CanIhuh?Please!Please!Please!Runawaywithmesowecandona ughtystuff!"  
  
Voldemort::not quite sure what she just said:: "Er..Okay?"  
  
::Lexi lets out a whoop and drags him off stage::  
  
::Snape walks onstage encumbered by "Love", who's glomped onto his ankle::  
  
"Love": "But you love me!"  
  
Snape::snarling:: "I don't even know you!" ::kicks her away and stalks over to the gathering of death eaters::  
  
Death Eater #1::points at Snape:: "TRAITOR!"  
  
Death Eater #2: "Get him!"  
  
::Snape raises his hands defensively and backs away as the group descends upon him like Fanboys on Stan Lee::  
  
Cookie::walking over to the fight that looks like nothing more than a cloud of dust with many arms and legs:: "Professor Snape, do you mind if I ask you a question?"  
  
Snape::poking his bloody bruised head from the crowd. He snarls:: "I'm a bit busy. Do you mind?!" ::a hand grabs him by the hair and pulls him back into the dust::  
  
Cookie: "It will be quick. Why are you still wearing that dress? And why have you put on stalkings?"  
  
Shinji::jumping into the fray:: "Back off! Don't make me use my sarcasm!"  
  
::The dust cloud settles and Shinji smiles at Snape::  
  
Snape::swaying back and forth. His hair completely undone, blood running on the side of his face, and his eyes are both black:: "Thanks." ::He passes out and falls::  
  
::Shinji catches him, throws him over her shoulder and walks to another dark corner::  
  
Jim: "There you have it. Words just cannot describe what a chaotic freak show this has turned into."  
  
Spyofnabiki: "Well this didn't end up how I expected."  
  
Guy: ".Why were they reporting the news from the dungeon?"  
  
Narrator: "Thank you for not including me until the end."  
  
::Lexi walks out of the corner. A smug smile graces her face. Voldemort stumbles out, his hair a mess::  
  
Lexi: "That was fun."  
  
SpyOfNabiki: "I think I'm going to end this right now."  
  
::Still dressed as a panda, she holds up a sign that says "The End":: 


End file.
